5 Things I Hate About You

Creepers,

First of all, I would like to tell you that the title of this thing is misleading. This isn’t about one individual person. Nor is it about my supposed new love interest. The only reason I say that is because some people believe it is.

Quick side tangent – the love interest is a no go. For as long as we both shall live. Forever and ever, Amen. To the end of all times. And any other analogies you can think of. No worries, I’m not going to be turning into a zombie this time. Just an asshole.

Totally kidding.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

Anyways, this is a posting about the things I hate about people in general. Now, don’t get your panties in a bunch, because I don’t hate you. There are only a couple of people in this world that I hate (they know who they are) and I would be very surprised if any of them read this blog. Let alone, if they were smart enough to even know how to turn a computer on. Dumbasses.

Please pay attention, because if you do more than one of these things to me, we might be having problems.

Numero Uno ---- Hi Mr. Intelligent. Can you do me a favor? Yes? Ok, well, will you shut the hell up? Thanks.

I absolutely hate it when I am having a conversation with someone and they feel this incessant need to take our conversation to the next intellectual level. No. Not happening. I’ll tune out of the conversation within 10 seconds and just keep monotonously shaking my head up and down and saying “Yeah.” Sooner or later I may take a fork and jab you in the eye with it and feed it to the nearest living creature. Oh, the daydreams I have had about doing that.

 The funny thing is, most of the time, they are not that intelligent anyways. Believe me, you are not fooling me acting that way. I mean what are you proving to yourself? That you can out-talk me? Well good for you. You can out-talk me. But, you sure made yourself look like a dumbass when you did it. If you are going to have a conversation with me, then do just that. Just talk to me. I love talking to people. I love talking about random shit. But please don’t start throwing things out there that you know I would never know. One of these days, I might just throw something back at you. And it ain’t going to be words.

3Numero Dos ---- Uhmmm… Who died and made you King?

Power. The source of everything good and evil in this world. History has taught us that the struggle for power occurs each and every day whether it be in the comfort of your own home or between two countries of the world. Obviously, I am talking about power on a much smaller scale. I hate when someone is appointed a position that has just an inkling of power attached to it and they think they are the next goddamn President of the United States. Fuck that shit. Funny how just a little power drives people mad and they always want more. Well, people, you may be higher up on the chain than me, but you do not have power over me. I understand that there is a chain of command that must be followed and I will gladly do so if called upon. That being said, if you want me to do something, just ask politely. Treat me like a human. Don’t order me around like I am your slave. We abolished that shit a long time ago.

Numero Tres ---- Excuse me weasel? It’s none of your fucking business.

First of all, I am a very open person. I share a lot more information than I should. If someone asks me a question, I am bound to answer it without hesitating. That being said, people with hidden agendas can earn a big eff you from me. This kind of ties into those intelligent people. From what I have observed, people that think they are intelligent also seem to think that by asking me all these round-about questions they are going to get me to spill the nitty gritty details of my life. Again, you are not fooling me. I can see straight the bullshit that you think you are being so intelligent about covering up. This ain’t some Nicki Minaj “You See Right Thru Me” music montage.

It especially pisses me off, if I notice you doing it to someone else. I mean really? Is your life so freaking boring that you must manipulate people to find out all their dirty little secrets? What a little weasel you are. Want to know my life story? Become one of my good friends and I’ll spill it to you like someone who has diarrhea.

Numero Cuatro ---- But we just made plans today!? WTF??

My smart phone was the greatest thing that happened to me, technologically speaking. Mainly because, I finally have an electronic calendar that updates me of my schedule every two hours. I love my calendar. I feel lost without it. So, when you make plans with me, you can bet it goes into the calendar. Good organizational skills right? So what, you have a calendar, big effing deal? Well it is a big fucking deal, because when I make plans, I block off a specific time in my life to spend with you. Granted, I’m not a Senator or anything and my time isn’t really special to anyone but me, but good God, I hate getting cancelled on. Especially when you cancel on me on the day of our appointment. Ugh, if I could send an ESP to punch you in the face, I freaking would. Believe it or not, I look forward to hanging out with people. It keeps me social and on my toes. Sometimes it’s the only thing that brightens my day. Remember that the next time you cancel on me. You may have taken away the only good thing about my day. Bastards.

Ok, this one isn’t really a big one, mainly because I realize that plans can change within the blink of an eye. And believe me, I cancel on people to (yes, even last minute.) But it still pisses me off. It pisses everybody off. I know it does. Let’s just call this point moot. Ok? Thanks.

Numero Cinco ---- Like, you know those, like, situations, where, like, you just want to, like, punch someone?

For real people? If you are one of these people that just cannot stop saying “like”, please don’t come around me. I’m just kidding. I love you all. But, seriously? Is it that hard to have a normal conversation where you are trying to describe something to me and use the word “like”, at most, two times? Anything over that is annoying. And it’s a sure-fire way for me to start tuning out of our conversation. Granted, it’s always fun to count how many times you say it, because I love relaying the statistics to everyone else.

“Good God. So I was having this conversation with so-and-so and you know how many times they said “like?” There were more “likes” than there were other words in the convo.”  …. PATHETIC. Learn some proper English douches.

Or don’t. I kind of like daydreaming about what I would like to do to you the next time you say “like”. I get pretty creative. But, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in prison, so it will just stay a daydream. For now.

But please. Just stop saying it. Like, now.
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So, my plan was to go to 10 things. But, that ain’t happening. At least not tonight. This was a pretty long posting. I may post the other 5 sometime later. Maybe not. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares? Not me.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you take home some valuable lessons.

Peace, Love, and other Miscellaneous Happy Things…… CK