Balance.
For those that have been around me for the past few weeks, this one word has taken ahold of me. It has become the premise of almost anything that I have done lately. For some, I'm sure it has proven to be most annoying, as my use of the word is usually accompanied by a rock shoved in their face with the word etched in gold underneath its Chinese symbol. I now carry this rock with me almost everywhere I go. It's kind of weird actually. I have never felt more empowered by a single intrinsic object in my life. But, rest assured, if ever I have felt down in the past couple of weeks, it has been there to pick me up.
So, why balance?
My brother pointed out to me the other day, something that I never would have noticed myself. The observation was very simple, but probably the most shocking revelation I have had to date. He told me that the reason I am having so many problems is because I've gone from somebody who never cared for another soul in this world except for myself, to someone that cares about every person around him. Awkwardly enough, at the conclusion of his statement, my mind went through an entire movie montage of my life and the way I interacted with the people around me. And he was completely right.
From about late high school to the first couple of years in college, I was mean. I was cruel. I didn't care about anybody. I didn't care about their feelings. I didn't care about whether or not they were going through a rough time in their life. I just didn't care. My focus was completely on me. I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I knew exactly how I was going to get there. If I had to step on and back-stab the people around me, I would do it. If the end result was that I would look better and be moving up, I did it.
Now, I could care less about what happens to me, as long as the people around me are taken care of. I, quite literally, allowed myself to be the emotional punching bag for many people around me. And, to be honest, some people in my life are full of deep, dark, secret and painful emotions. And I stood by them, every step of the way. I've been there through their suicide attempts, their suicidal thoughts, their drunken hot messes, their boyfriend troubles, their girlfriend troubles and their struggles with academics. I've had to pull people out of some of the darkest and deepest abysses of their life and help them realize that life gets better. I've heard stories about people that I could have gone my entire life without hearing. Stories that broke my heart and made me cry. Stories that made me continuously worry about whom they were about. I cared. A lot.
I could never quite tell you why the change in attitude. While typing this and mulling through my brain, I can't even pinpoint a general time that this would have happened. It just kind of did.
Sadly, I wasn't paying attention, and this caring attitude became some what of a game to some people. I just didn't realize until it was too late.
I've always heard the people that are the nicest and the most caring, somehow always tend to be the ones that are used and abused the most. It seems like there are people out there that have an innate ability to find these extremely awesome qualities in people and then feed off of them like morbid little succubus. It's almost kind of like a Dementor's kiss (and for those of you that don't read/watch Harry Potter, you won't get this reference). The only way I can describe it is as sucking the complete good and pure soul out of a relatively happy person, until they are nothing but an empty shell. No happiness. No fun. No nothing. It's as if they have absorbed all the bad things around them and made them control their life.
And that's exactly what happened to me. I allowed myself to absorb peoples' problems. I allowed myself to make them my own. And, to be honest, I think I even tried acting on them. The worse part of it is, these other people, allowed it to happen as well. And they knew what they were doing. They knew exactly how to get me to do what they wanted. The knew exactly how to make me be there for them 24/7.
They bribed me with dreamy friendships and hierarchy within their lives and ranks. But words just became words. Their actions spoke a completely different story.
They were never there for me when I needed them the most. They would ignore me when all I needed was a few simple words of advice. They would tell me that I was overacting and that I just needed to let it go.
Once realizations started settling in, I came about the truth that these people would never provide to me, what I provided them. I, essentially, was just a pawn in their twisted little game of life.
That's where balance steps in. I knew that I couldn't go back to the way I was before. Because, that Caleb, was just like them. But, I also knew that I couldn't allow myself to be used and abused as I have been. I needed to set boundaries. I needed to re-calibrate and figure out those people, whom I knew, would always be there for me. And then say goodbye to those who wouldn't.
This has proven to be one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. It's hard to understand that those you could care about so much, could be so careless about you. But, it happens. To all of us.
I came across this quote the other day while watching Ugly Betty: "I've had to say goodbye more times than I would've liked. But everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even if it's for the greater good, it still stings. And though we will never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can't do is live our lives always afraid to say our next goodbye. Because, chances are, they're not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a goodbye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again."
My goodbyes are a good thing. I can start again. I can reset some friendships and I can burn bridges with others. I can balance my life.
I only have one to begin with. Why waste it on those who don't care?
Balance.
It's more than just a word.
It's renewed hope.
So, why balance?
My brother pointed out to me the other day, something that I never would have noticed myself. The observation was very simple, but probably the most shocking revelation I have had to date. He told me that the reason I am having so many problems is because I've gone from somebody who never cared for another soul in this world except for myself, to someone that cares about every person around him. Awkwardly enough, at the conclusion of his statement, my mind went through an entire movie montage of my life and the way I interacted with the people around me. And he was completely right.
From about late high school to the first couple of years in college, I was mean. I was cruel. I didn't care about anybody. I didn't care about their feelings. I didn't care about whether or not they were going through a rough time in their life. I just didn't care. My focus was completely on me. I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I knew exactly how I was going to get there. If I had to step on and back-stab the people around me, I would do it. If the end result was that I would look better and be moving up, I did it.
Now, I could care less about what happens to me, as long as the people around me are taken care of. I, quite literally, allowed myself to be the emotional punching bag for many people around me. And, to be honest, some people in my life are full of deep, dark, secret and painful emotions. And I stood by them, every step of the way. I've been there through their suicide attempts, their suicidal thoughts, their drunken hot messes, their boyfriend troubles, their girlfriend troubles and their struggles with academics. I've had to pull people out of some of the darkest and deepest abysses of their life and help them realize that life gets better. I've heard stories about people that I could have gone my entire life without hearing. Stories that broke my heart and made me cry. Stories that made me continuously worry about whom they were about. I cared. A lot.
I could never quite tell you why the change in attitude. While typing this and mulling through my brain, I can't even pinpoint a general time that this would have happened. It just kind of did.
Sadly, I wasn't paying attention, and this caring attitude became some what of a game to some people. I just didn't realize until it was too late.
I've always heard the people that are the nicest and the most caring, somehow always tend to be the ones that are used and abused the most. It seems like there are people out there that have an innate ability to find these extremely awesome qualities in people and then feed off of them like morbid little succubus. It's almost kind of like a Dementor's kiss (and for those of you that don't read/watch Harry Potter, you won't get this reference). The only way I can describe it is as sucking the complete good and pure soul out of a relatively happy person, until they are nothing but an empty shell. No happiness. No fun. No nothing. It's as if they have absorbed all the bad things around them and made them control their life.
And that's exactly what happened to me. I allowed myself to absorb peoples' problems. I allowed myself to make them my own. And, to be honest, I think I even tried acting on them. The worse part of it is, these other people, allowed it to happen as well. And they knew what they were doing. They knew exactly how to get me to do what they wanted. The knew exactly how to make me be there for them 24/7.
They bribed me with dreamy friendships and hierarchy within their lives and ranks. But words just became words. Their actions spoke a completely different story.
They were never there for me when I needed them the most. They would ignore me when all I needed was a few simple words of advice. They would tell me that I was overacting and that I just needed to let it go.
Once realizations started settling in, I came about the truth that these people would never provide to me, what I provided them. I, essentially, was just a pawn in their twisted little game of life.
That's where balance steps in. I knew that I couldn't go back to the way I was before. Because, that Caleb, was just like them. But, I also knew that I couldn't allow myself to be used and abused as I have been. I needed to set boundaries. I needed to re-calibrate and figure out those people, whom I knew, would always be there for me. And then say goodbye to those who wouldn't.
This has proven to be one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. It's hard to understand that those you could care about so much, could be so careless about you. But, it happens. To all of us.
I came across this quote the other day while watching Ugly Betty: "I've had to say goodbye more times than I would've liked. But everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even if it's for the greater good, it still stings. And though we will never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can't do is live our lives always afraid to say our next goodbye. Because, chances are, they're not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a goodbye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again."
My goodbyes are a good thing. I can start again. I can reset some friendships and I can burn bridges with others. I can balance my life.
I only have one to begin with. Why waste it on those who don't care?
Balance.
It's more than just a word.
It's renewed hope.
Peace, Love, and Other Miscellaneous Happy Things,
CK
