I've never understood the phrase "You've changed." In my opinion, I don't think a person ever changes who they are, I think they just kind of loose themselves. For some, loosing themselves proves to be the best thing that ever happened to them. For others, it's total chaos.
I say this because while I don't think people change, I think we continually add things to our persona. Things that help us move through our life and things that make us, essentially, a better person. But, under the gun, I think a person will revert back to their most basic, primitive instinct. The person they've been since they started developing a sense of one's self.
These past couple of weeks, I've heard that all too familiar phrase more than I care to acknowledge. I don't take offense to it, nor will I ever. But, it scares me to think that those people so close to me, think that I've changed. I can't help but think, maybe they never really knew me to begin with. And the sad thing is, maybe I never gave them the chance.
In the past couple of months, I've experienced what I can only describe as life. And I don't mean everyday, normal facets of life. I mean that part of life that no one talks about because we can't believe we ever went there. That part that we keep so packed away that it takes either a fare amount of alcohol to bring out or complete trust in the person you are telling. What I've put myself through, I'm not sure I would ever want to put myself through again. I shook every bit of psychological foundation that I ever built up. I watched walls crumble down all around me. I literally felt like I was standing in a dark room full of nothing but my entire life flashing up on little screens. The past, the present, and there was nothing I could do to change it.
I lost control of me.
It was during this time that I formed this incessant need to reach out and grab ahold of everything around me. And believe me, I grabbed ahold of everything. Tightly. As if my life depended on it. Actually, you could even say that at that time, my life did depend on it. I grabbed ahold of things in my social life, I grabbed ahold at the chance of love, and I grabbed ahold of the people in my life. I was like one of those hoarders that can't bear to ever let anything go. It was as if I had formed an invisible network of veins with them and if you dared remove them, you dared remove the very thing that was keeping me alive.
I latched onto my fraternity. I tried to make it into something that I could lean on. Something that I could shape into my own little bubble of comfort. I tried to make it my life. But, I leaned so hard onto an organization that was barely keeping itself afloat, that I began to resent it. I resented it for not helping me. I mean, there I was asking for help and all I could see was it looking back at me, with an evil smirk, saying that it knew what it was doing to me and that it didn't even care. I began to think that it and the people in it absolutely hated me. So much so, that I just wanted to leave. I wanted to leave and never come back.
I latched onto love. Now, I've been known to fall fast for people. I can't really help it, it just kind of happens. I actually think it happens a lot more than most people really care to admit. To be honest, I really couldn't tell you if I started loving because I actually loved someone or I started loving because I needed someone. Regardless, I had moved out of the two month crush zone and into what most people define as being in love. I ended up doing what I have always told people to try and avoid when it comes to this point in their life. I formed a kind of jealous attachment to this person. Not only did I form a jealous attachment, I also formed a pretty strong friendship with him as well. I came to know this person on many levels and because I wanted him to know that I would always be there for him, I allowed myself to listen to all the stories about his current love-life. Which only increased my jealous hatred for him and for the one's he liked. I hated them because they knew how he felt about them, but they were not interested. My mind just couldn't understand why they didn't understand that they had this person who was, by my own very definition, amazing, and they were just completely uninterested or didn't seem to care. I hated him because, there I always stood and yet I only ever seemed invisible.
I latched onto my friends. Of all things I did, this was by far the most intense attachment that I formed. I came to rely on my friends to basically remind me to keep breathing. They were my life-line, my life support. And I used and abused these relationships so much that I started resenting them as well. What I needed was constant contact. I mean 24/7, never leave my side, never leave my eyesight type of contact. And even though I know that is not humanly possible, I wanted it. And when I didn't get it, I became angry. Even though I couldn't stand to be around them most of the time, I couldn't stand to be without them. Again, I felt like I was screaming for help and my screams were going nowhere except for a boomerang action right back to me. And again, I felt like they were beginning to hate me and that they no longer wanted to ever be a part of my life. So, I tried cutting them out of my life. But, it didn't take long for me to realize that I couldn't do that. As much as I didn't want it to be true, I needed them. Sad thing is, I think I whole-heartedly blamed them for this attachment
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I say this because while I don't think people change, I think we continually add things to our persona. Things that help us move through our life and things that make us, essentially, a better person. But, under the gun, I think a person will revert back to their most basic, primitive instinct. The person they've been since they started developing a sense of one's self.
These past couple of weeks, I've heard that all too familiar phrase more than I care to acknowledge. I don't take offense to it, nor will I ever. But, it scares me to think that those people so close to me, think that I've changed. I can't help but think, maybe they never really knew me to begin with. And the sad thing is, maybe I never gave them the chance.
In the past couple of months, I've experienced what I can only describe as life. And I don't mean everyday, normal facets of life. I mean that part of life that no one talks about because we can't believe we ever went there. That part that we keep so packed away that it takes either a fare amount of alcohol to bring out or complete trust in the person you are telling. What I've put myself through, I'm not sure I would ever want to put myself through again. I shook every bit of psychological foundation that I ever built up. I watched walls crumble down all around me. I literally felt like I was standing in a dark room full of nothing but my entire life flashing up on little screens. The past, the present, and there was nothing I could do to change it.
I lost control of me.
It was during this time that I formed this incessant need to reach out and grab ahold of everything around me. And believe me, I grabbed ahold of everything. Tightly. As if my life depended on it. Actually, you could even say that at that time, my life did depend on it. I grabbed ahold of things in my social life, I grabbed ahold at the chance of love, and I grabbed ahold of the people in my life. I was like one of those hoarders that can't bear to ever let anything go. It was as if I had formed an invisible network of veins with them and if you dared remove them, you dared remove the very thing that was keeping me alive.
I latched onto my fraternity. I tried to make it into something that I could lean on. Something that I could shape into my own little bubble of comfort. I tried to make it my life. But, I leaned so hard onto an organization that was barely keeping itself afloat, that I began to resent it. I resented it for not helping me. I mean, there I was asking for help and all I could see was it looking back at me, with an evil smirk, saying that it knew what it was doing to me and that it didn't even care. I began to think that it and the people in it absolutely hated me. So much so, that I just wanted to leave. I wanted to leave and never come back.
I latched onto love. Now, I've been known to fall fast for people. I can't really help it, it just kind of happens. I actually think it happens a lot more than most people really care to admit. To be honest, I really couldn't tell you if I started loving because I actually loved someone or I started loving because I needed someone. Regardless, I had moved out of the two month crush zone and into what most people define as being in love. I ended up doing what I have always told people to try and avoid when it comes to this point in their life. I formed a kind of jealous attachment to this person. Not only did I form a jealous attachment, I also formed a pretty strong friendship with him as well. I came to know this person on many levels and because I wanted him to know that I would always be there for him, I allowed myself to listen to all the stories about his current love-life. Which only increased my jealous hatred for him and for the one's he liked. I hated them because they knew how he felt about them, but they were not interested. My mind just couldn't understand why they didn't understand that they had this person who was, by my own very definition, amazing, and they were just completely uninterested or didn't seem to care. I hated him because, there I always stood and yet I only ever seemed invisible.
I latched onto my friends. Of all things I did, this was by far the most intense attachment that I formed. I came to rely on my friends to basically remind me to keep breathing. They were my life-line, my life support. And I used and abused these relationships so much that I started resenting them as well. What I needed was constant contact. I mean 24/7, never leave my side, never leave my eyesight type of contact. And even though I know that is not humanly possible, I wanted it. And when I didn't get it, I became angry. Even though I couldn't stand to be around them most of the time, I couldn't stand to be without them. Again, I felt like I was screaming for help and my screams were going nowhere except for a boomerang action right back to me. And again, I felt like they were beginning to hate me and that they no longer wanted to ever be a part of my life. So, I tried cutting them out of my life. But, it didn't take long for me to realize that I couldn't do that. As much as I didn't want it to be true, I needed them. Sad thing is, I think I whole-heartedly blamed them for this attachment
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I lost myself because I was focusing on the negatives of my life and everything that intertwined with it. Because, let's face it, negatives are a lot easier to find than positives. I was just so wrapped up in fear and anger that I turned all of them into hopeless, lost causes. And it took me a lot longer to find the happiness in all of them.
What I failed to realize, and insurmountably realize now, was that it was no one else's fault but my own. I created these situations and I suffer because of it.
What I failed to see was that I was trying to use the fraternity as a substitute for what I thought was missing in my life. I mean, it's OK to rely on an organization for support, but I can't blame something that in reality doesn't really exist. It exists on paper, but it's just a concept. There isn't anything I can physically reach out and grab. Instead of relying on the fraternity to help me, I should have noticed the hope that the fraternity was providing for other people and in turn, the hope the fraternity provided me.
What I failed to see was that even though I loved someone, they didn't have to love me back. Love is fickle. It's here one second and it's gone the next. What I should have been focusing on was that I actually got to experience the feeling and attempt to show it. Which, oddly enough, was something that I don't think I have ever experienced before. So what if he didn't like me back? As long as he is happy, I am happy. I also needed to realize that he was going through the exact same situation that I was. He too had fallen for people that didn't feel the same way for him. He too had formed an attachment to people that didn't notice he was there. It doesn't matter if I will ever get to be that special someone to him. What matters is that I get to be his friend. I get to be someone in his life that he can trust and rely on for support for anything life throws at him. I get to be in his life. And that is more than I could ever have hoped for.
What I failed to see was that my friends were doing all they could for me. They were there for every problem that I ever brought up to them. Day or night. If ever there was a valiant attempt to be there for me every waking second, they would be the epitome of that attempt. But like I mentioned earlier, it would be unrealistic and an utter waste of their time to be there for me that much. To provide that constant contact that I thought I needed. I now know that, whether or not they realized it, I was suffocating our relationship. I was. Me and me alone. I needed to be able to rely on myself before I could fully rely on them to help me through my problems.
What I failed to realize, and insurmountably realize now, was that it was no one else's fault but my own. I created these situations and I suffer because of it.
What I failed to see was that I was trying to use the fraternity as a substitute for what I thought was missing in my life. I mean, it's OK to rely on an organization for support, but I can't blame something that in reality doesn't really exist. It exists on paper, but it's just a concept. There isn't anything I can physically reach out and grab. Instead of relying on the fraternity to help me, I should have noticed the hope that the fraternity was providing for other people and in turn, the hope the fraternity provided me.
What I failed to see was that even though I loved someone, they didn't have to love me back. Love is fickle. It's here one second and it's gone the next. What I should have been focusing on was that I actually got to experience the feeling and attempt to show it. Which, oddly enough, was something that I don't think I have ever experienced before. So what if he didn't like me back? As long as he is happy, I am happy. I also needed to realize that he was going through the exact same situation that I was. He too had fallen for people that didn't feel the same way for him. He too had formed an attachment to people that didn't notice he was there. It doesn't matter if I will ever get to be that special someone to him. What matters is that I get to be his friend. I get to be someone in his life that he can trust and rely on for support for anything life throws at him. I get to be in his life. And that is more than I could ever have hoped for.
What I failed to see was that my friends were doing all they could for me. They were there for every problem that I ever brought up to them. Day or night. If ever there was a valiant attempt to be there for me every waking second, they would be the epitome of that attempt. But like I mentioned earlier, it would be unrealistic and an utter waste of their time to be there for me that much. To provide that constant contact that I thought I needed. I now know that, whether or not they realized it, I was suffocating our relationship. I was. Me and me alone. I needed to be able to rely on myself before I could fully rely on them to help me through my problems.
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This place is brutal. No one can deny that. It's like a mortal coil that never ceases to disappear. The world has forgotten what it means to be human. All around us we see people that are portrayed as stable, stone walls that can resist even the most terrifying attack. Portrayed as if they are comparable with the strength of the Gods.
But, in reality, we are the most fragile things on this planet. It takes but just a few simple words, a few wrong actions against us and we are broken. Shattered even. Into a million little pieces that no one can ever put back together.
Yet, in the midst of our pain, we pick up the million little pieces and we try to move on.
We try.
Day after day, step by step, one breath at a time. But it's never really enough, because who can really pick up a million pieces?
I am human. I am fragile. I may act like I have it all together and I may act like I know what I'm doing, but the truth is, I'm just as lost as the rest of us. I often find myself wondering how it is that anyone ever really finds their way in this world.
But, I have hope. I have hope that even though I may not see it right now, I will eventually see the light and I will eventually see that I am OK. I will realize that I can't blame everything and everyone I am involved with for my problems. My problems are my own and mine alone.
I didn't change, I just lost myself. And far be it for me to say that I am back to where I want to be, because I'm not. But, I am better. I am finding happiness all around me. And I hope that if any of you ever get into the place that I was, that you know that you will find your way out. It may take a lot of soul-searching and a lot of self degradation, but you will find your way.
You will find you.
With all my heart,
Caleb
This place is brutal. No one can deny that. It's like a mortal coil that never ceases to disappear. The world has forgotten what it means to be human. All around us we see people that are portrayed as stable, stone walls that can resist even the most terrifying attack. Portrayed as if they are comparable with the strength of the Gods.
But, in reality, we are the most fragile things on this planet. It takes but just a few simple words, a few wrong actions against us and we are broken. Shattered even. Into a million little pieces that no one can ever put back together.
Yet, in the midst of our pain, we pick up the million little pieces and we try to move on.
We try.
Day after day, step by step, one breath at a time. But it's never really enough, because who can really pick up a million pieces?
I am human. I am fragile. I may act like I have it all together and I may act like I know what I'm doing, but the truth is, I'm just as lost as the rest of us. I often find myself wondering how it is that anyone ever really finds their way in this world.
But, I have hope. I have hope that even though I may not see it right now, I will eventually see the light and I will eventually see that I am OK. I will realize that I can't blame everything and everyone I am involved with for my problems. My problems are my own and mine alone.
I didn't change, I just lost myself. And far be it for me to say that I am back to where I want to be, because I'm not. But, I am better. I am finding happiness all around me. And I hope that if any of you ever get into the place that I was, that you know that you will find your way out. It may take a lot of soul-searching and a lot of self degradation, but you will find your way.
You will find you.
With all my heart,
Caleb
