The Type

It has been almost two years since I started writing this blog.

In the whole spectrum of things, two years is but a blip on the radar. But, when I really sit down and think about it, these past two years for me could easily be translated into a lifetime. I honestly cannot believe the amount of changes that I have gone through, the experiences that I involved myself in, and the pure, raw emotions that I have subjected myself too. The person I am today is almost a 360 degree difference from the person I was then. And, if you have been following me all along, you've read through some of these different things, as I am no stranger to publicizing my feelings.

When I sit down and think about why I wanted to start writing this blog, I find myself amidst conflicting feelings of laughing until I cry,  or skipping the laughing part altogether and heading straight into crying. If you are reading this blog and you have yet to read my pilot blog posting, "Conceptual Love" - dumb name.. I'm aware - I encourage you to do so before you read this one any further. Obviously, my first posting was about love, as love is fickle and I wanted to name my blog "The Fickle Truth". It was fitting. But, I would be painstakingly lying if I didn't tell you the whole reason of writing that blog. So, here goes.

I wrote the blog as sort of a confession letter to tell someone that I was falling in love with him (and, yes, I mean "him" - I'm gay. Get over it! =P). And then I posted that link to every social site that I have ever owned in hopes that he would somehow catch wind of it, read it, realize his long lost love for me and come barreling into my open arms with undeniable happiness.

Well, that never happened. He read it, asked me who I was talking about, and because I hadn't developed those lovely set of balls that I carry today, I just said "someone". And, we never spoke of it again.

Thank God.

This boy that I was so much in love with turned out to be a certifiable sociopath that shoved me into the greatest bout of depression, thus far. Imagine if we actually started dating! We would probably have formed the most destructive co-dependent relationship towards each other and we both would have been screwed.

Since then, I have tried immersing myself into other relationships, all with the most dismal results. I've done the one night stand thing and I've done the whole trying to turn a friendship into a relationship thing. But, over the last two years, I have never gained that one thing I've wanted most: a bonafide, monogamous relationship.

This past week, my newfound friend Keegan asked me what my type of person was.  And while I could easily answer that I choose to look for the emo, punk rock kid that is emotionally crippled, I just told him that I don't know. Because, while I can get my sexual kicks from someone that is broken and that I can try fixing, that isn't someone I can spend my life with. So, I honestly didn't really know.

I've heard it said that while sex is a very big deal, it's like that is the easy part of any relationship. Yes, it's awkward and threatening and thrilling, but it pails in comparison to giving your heart to somebody. That's the real scary part.

And I couldn't agree more.

So, here I find myself questioning the "type" of person that I can see myself with and the person that I can give my heart to and not expect it to be handed back. And here is what I have come up.

First and foremost, I want a guy that I can be physically, emotionally, and intellectually connected with. I want a guy, who from the moment I meet him and look into those big, beautiful eyes, I will know that we will be with each other till the day we die. I want a guy who doesn't hide behind technology and isn't afraid of having a real conversation with me, face-to-face. I want a guy who doesn't just want to throw me against the wall and have his way with me after the first date, or the second, or the third. And when we finally decide to have sex, I want it to mean something and I want to not have to worry about waking up the next morning with a text saying thanks for the great lay and that "I'll call you sometime", which actually means, "I've had my way with you and now I'm done with you". I want a guy who, when I decide to show him every part of my body, I won't have to worry about him cringing because I have scars or a little extra flab. I want a guy who will be there for me when I need him most and will know that I need him even if I don't explicitly say I do. I want a guy who understands the value of just doing nothing - of sitting there, wrapped up in a blanket, cuddling, not worrying about what the rest of the day holds or what is to come next. I want a guy who lives in the moment, but also knows when it's time to start thinking and planning the future. I want a guy that can stand with me and be patient with me when I reach my lowest lows. Who stands proudly next to me when I reach my highest highs, knowing that he is, in part, to thank for.

I just want to love and be loved. Pure, unabashed, unending, raw, love.

I'm sure that you could arguably say there are guys in my life that would be willing to provide this to me and more.  And while I have no doubt that this is true,  my brain has to connect with them on that level. After all, the brain is boss. When meeting someone, my brain immediately throws them into the category of being friends or the category of possible lovers. And once they are in these categories, there is no switching.

So, I guess, therein lies the problem. Maybe the problem is just me. Who knows.

I watched Practical Magic the other day and heard a quote that I found myself identifying with very closely.

From Sally, after her husband died, to her sister Gilly, who lives on the opposite side of the country: "Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean….. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind…. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't want to believe it, but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."

Now, Sally was a lot more depressed about her love life than I am. I would venture to say that I am not even depressed. Just in a state of wonderment and questioning when I would actually have the ability to feel what I want to and have it reciprocated back.

I am young, I know this. I have my whole life ahead of me to find what I'm looking for. I just hope that one day I do.

A guy can dream right?

Peace, Love, and Other Miscellaneous Happy Things,

CK