Love is Fickle

Just a warning. This isn't a nicey-nice blog. It's blunt. And it will give you a great insight to how I think. Some of you may hate me after this. We'll talk about later. Hope you enjoy.

The concept of love is fickle. (cheesy opening line right?) And who the hell starts their blog with a posting about love? I mean, that is just so cliche!

Screw you. I do.

The reason I started this blog is to share how I feel about certain things. And for the past 24 hours, I have been contemplating the idea of love. (lame!)

When it comes to love, I tend to lean towards the definition of Dr. Temperance Brennan - Love doesn't exist. It is just a combination of chemicals in the brain that make you feel tingly in weird and wonderful places. - Ok, the tingling part is my own little tangent, but I figured it fit in pretty well.

The other definition? "All you need is love." "Love is the only thing that gets people through their day." "Without love, we are all lost." Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. What a bunch of hopeless romantics.

I think one can easily see that I don't hold love in the same regard as most people. I think that it is a very complicated and painful experience that I don't much like to participate in. Don't get me wrong. I practice "love". I love my family. I love my dog. I love my friends. I absolutely LOVE food (hence the reason I am fat ass). And I have been in love. Head over heels in love.

"Oh shit. Here it comes. Some girl broke this dudes heart and he has forever given up on love and is determined to live out the rest of his days alone with 50 dogs and 30 cats. Definitely cliche. I'm out!"

For those that decided that they have had enough, adios. For those still with me, pay attention. It get's better.

It's true. Some girl (or a couple of girls) broke my heart. And it hurt. Bad. Really bad. Both times it took greater than 6 months for me to stop constantly thinking about them. To be honest, I still think about them at least once a day. Let me just say that this is very stressful. All I want to do is get up in the morning, drag my not-so-happy ass to campus, get done with classes, attend all my meetings, come home, sleep, and repeat the next day, without having an an image of past relationships pop into my head. But, it ain't happening. I have come to live with this. At least the image pops into my head without having that "oh, I think I'm gonna be sick" feeling with it.

This is why I have casually said to anybody asking, that I will never date another person. I will never fall in love with another person. I would rather pour my whole life into something that I know will only ever benefit me in the end, than to pour my heart and sole into something that within a blink of an eye can be done with and will haunt me for the rest of my life.

"So, this guy has given up on love. Sad day."

Wrong.  (And for the person I had the long conversation with last night. I'm sorry. This is going to contradict everything I said. Blame it on the whole night of thinking after our convo.) I absolutely have not given up on love. After all the hard work I put into building psyche walls in my head so that I don't let my emotional roller coaster take ahold of me, I think they would crumble like tiny pebbles if given the chance to love someone again.

"Good grief. You are pissing me off dude. Make up your f****** mind. To love or not to love?"

Hold your horses. That last statement of mine didn't cancel everything out. My opinion has an amendment.  I have not given up on love (repetition Caleb, move on). But I am ok with not finding another person to love. The pain that I feel for being alone is nowhere near the pain I feel for losing someone that I love, because we had differences. I can deal with the pain of being alone. I have for two years now and I have been a very optimistic person. But the pain of losing someone for complicated reasons is absolutely unbearable. And I hate it. It turns me into a zombie. I stop paying attention to things. I don't want to hang out with anybody. I don't want to hang out with my family. I become depressed, pessimistic, and all I want to do is to not exist or become some cartoon character obviously isn't real. 

Some of you are probably shocked by this. Probably never knew that I have ever felt this way. I do a very good job of hiding it. I have to. I don't want people to see that and start judging me, because that's not who I am. I like to have fun, hang out with everyone, party like a rockstar and make people laugh.

So why would I choose to love someone again and start a relationship that could end and turn me into my own personal zombie? Now that's a big question. I don't know. What I do know is that it will happen again. And to be honest, it scares the shit of me. Because I don't want it to. I really don't.

Want to know a secret? I assume you do since you have stuck with me this whole time. 

It's already starting to happen again.

Please God, help me.

Peace, love and other miscellaneous happy things... CK